I took adderall last night.

It made me talk.

I haven't talked like that since Kristian & I first started dating,

and I get the feeling now that except for the unattraction to food,

I won't be talking like that again

until I have some more.

I'm not addicted,

but to have happiness in a pill?

It was heaven.
Honestly.

I told everyone exactly how wonderful they were,
and how much they meant to me,

how I was sorry I didn't talk more,

and how much I missed them.

If my "fake" happiness makes others happy,

then it can't be all wrong.

Can it?

The thought of a "personality in a pill" frightens me,

but to be sad for so long frightens me much much worse.

It was only a kiss,

it was only a kiss.

I don't know why I'm taking this so harshly.
Why I like him quite so much.
What is it exactly about the way his eyes flick to and away from me that make me stare so intently?
Why do I stutter and fluster when he smiles and says a simple, "Hi."
And why,
why,
when he repliies with a single word,
do I take it so very harshly?

Sir,
you haven't been the first boy to cross my path,
and you most certainly won't be the last.

I don't think I'm too poor of a lover,
and I've never been intimate.
If anything,
I'm just shy.

Just listen:
I like new things.
Music fills my head, and causes my hands to dance.
Art feeds my eyes, and fuels my soul.
Love consumes my heart,
and I promise you, I will love you long,
and I will love you hard.
I'll do what you ask of me,
so long as you do what I ask of you.
I don't want to argue sir,
I only want to be happy with you.

Let me know what's on your mind,
& let me know when things go wrong.
Let us try to fix instead of fight.
Discuss in place of screaming.

There are only a few things about me that I am ashamed of;
My scars tell stories I don't wish to recall.
The people I call my family. I've never felt so disconnected from a group of people in my life.
I fall too hard.
I'm clumsy.
& no matter who you are, I'll think of loving you, if only for a moment.
I can't tell why,
but the thought will cross my mind, I promise you.

I learned it from you, dad.
I know now why I take everything and all that's said to me so personally,
why I'm told on multiple occassions to "chillax", because I get angry.
You and your stupid ways of controlling.
It's as if you've injected your "wisdom" into my bloodstream,
letting it reach every miserable inch of my body and made it more like you.
I'm sorry I've figured it out.

Coming out of my cage,

and I've

been doing just fine.